The Sound Of Music


The movie, "The Sound Of Music" is not exactly a recruiting film for new nuns. In the film, "Maria Rainer", a postulant in a Salzburg Abbey, prefers the "good time lovin'" of a widowed naval officer to the Catholic Church.

The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Something (But It Ain't Music) Maria, the nun-in-training, begins her sexual odyssey in the alpine hills. Flailing her arms around like a woman of loose morals, Maria sings, "The hills are alive with the sound of music". Well, the hills are alive alright…and so is Maria. Maria's trips to the Austrian hills and her burgeoning womanhood are reminiscent of singer Jim Morrison's acid trips in the desert. Both journeys were conscious raising exercises. Like Morrison's "Doors of perception", Maria says, "I just couldn't help myself, the gates were opening and the hills were beckoning".

It Seems To Be God's Will That You Leave Us (Yeah, Blame God) The reverend mother asks the free-spirited Maria to leave the Abbey under the pretext that it is the will of God. She gets Maria a job as a governess for a retired officer of the imperial navy with seven kids. It is clear the term "governess" is tongue in cheek. It is far more accurate to say that the reverend mother is just "pimping out" Maria. With a brood of seven kids, it is obvious that the prolific Captain Von Trapp desires Maria's breeding potential far more than her governess/nanny skills.

A Few Of Maria's Favorite Things Initially, Captain Von Trapp tries to entice Maria with his sexy Boatswain's Whistle. Like a sultry saxophone player, Von Trapp blows; the whistle's tune sends Maria into a kind of sexual frenzy. Before you know it, Maria is dressing all of the children in scanty outfits she made from curtain cloth. One stormy night, Maria even invites all of Von Trapp's kids to jump into her bed. The Von Trapp Kids dutifully snuggle in Maria's "bed of sin" and are graced with several choruses of "My Favorite Things". This song contains many subversive lyrics including, "brown paper packages tied up with string" an obvious reference to a dime bag of cocaine

Climb Ev'ry Mountain (But Use Protection) After Baroness Elsa taunts Captain Von Trapp with the fact that Maria will never be a nun, the governesses' lust for the Captain is finally realized in their moonlight tryst in the gazebo. The couple spins around like drunken satyrs, then Maria sings about her "wicked childhood" and plants a wet, juicy one on The Von Trapper. Even the Reverend Mother, the film's ultimate religious authority, offers Maria advice on sex. She encourages Maria to "Climb every mountain". That phrase is figurative. Obviously, the reverend mother is really encouraging Maria to engage in sexual activity with multiple partners: "Climb ev'ry mountain, ford ev'ry stream, follow every byway, till you find your dream. This meaning is clear…Maria should shop around.

Karate Kid 6-Real Men Don't Do The Crane Technique



The new film "Karate Kid 6" stars a completely new cast. Glenn Scarpelli is the thin unathletic "Danielson" and Anthony Quinn is the pseudo Japanese karate master. "Oh now Danielson, the name Karate comes half from seventies singer, Irene Cara and half from the actress currently married to X-Files actor, Tea Leone. So its Cara-tea…or as its known today Karate…now, listen close Danielson, today I teach you the secret of Mayagi-Do Karate…it is called the Jerry Lewis Technique. With this technique, you just stand there, flail your arms around, look all wacky, then start shouting "Hey Lady!" In this way, you can freak out your opponent and poke him in the eyes when he's not paying attention.

Later on in the film, Mr. Mayagi and Daniel travel to Okinawa, a town where every resident holds a personal grudge against Mayagi: "Hey Mayagi, you stole my childhood sweetheart", "Mayagi, remember that five spot you borrowed from me?…I never saw dime one of that money!" "Mayagi, I can never forgive you for taking the better locker in gym class!". Even the former cast of "Happy Days" comes to reap vengeance on Mayagi/Arnold. Included is a battle sequence in which Mayagi has to battle The Fonz and his thumb for control of all of Okinawa.

After lamely falling in love with an okinawan local (amidst gratuititous asian pan flute music) Daniel is challenged to fight by a youth who uses Karate for evil purposes.( Yes, the world is just a rich tapestry of people who use Karate for evil.) Daniel uses all the techniques he has learned: The Crane Technique, The Jerry Lewis Technique, The Banzai Bop, and finally he employs the ancient art of biting and scratching. Beaten and sobbing, Daniel's opponent weakly offers his hand to Daniel in friendship and says, "Daniel, I've learned something very valuable from you today. I've learned how to take a beating. From now on I shall only use karate for good motives…like showing off and freaking out old people"

Dinner-Out With Charlton Heston (Voice Of God)



Actor Charlton Heston not only played Moses but he also provided the "voice of God" in the Burning Bush Scene in the film, The Ten Commandments. With acting credits like that, it's easy to see how the man could get a swelled head. Now, though, Heston has developed feelings of grandeur. Inexplicably, Heston often talks to himself at restaurants and claims he is intercepting transmissions from God. When other restaurant patrons hear the actor's bizarre ramblings, they assume that he is just sharing the performances, which made him famous: "Moses", "John The Baptist" or "Judah Ben Hur". The customers may listen, applaud, and even momentarily forget Heston's ties to the NRA. However, soon the patrons come to realize that the well-respected thespian is very, very mad.

With the stiff-jawed earnestness he displays in his films, Heston growls out commands to the waiter in a local Italian Restaurant:
"What. You would serve me powdered tea?!.Tea is a leaf my good man, not a powder. There is no way that God in all his majesty would have intended his people to obtain their beverages from a "mix". No, I shall not imbibe your tainted libation. God would not want it to be so. Waiter, what is your soup today? Consommé? Why, that's hardly more than a broth. No, a true soup must satisfy as well as please, so sayeth the lord. The chunks of food must cleave to your tongue, your palette must call to you and say, "ooh, ah hearty, refreshing soup, let there be more of it." "I have heard tell that even Campbell's Canned Soup can come in a "Chunky" variety. No, waiter. I find your soup a disappointment. Excuse me, I don't understand… Your menu says that you feature Gazpacho which is a cold soup of tomato and cucumber. What restaurant is this that will not heat soup?!! This is appalling. Had God want soup to be served cold, he would not have made its contents so flavorful when heated. How dare you disobey the will of God!!! (Heston throws his salt and pepper shakers on the ground in a rage) Wait, what's this, a Chicken Orzo soup?! Alright, I shall try it. (ack!) Waiter, I find this Orzo to be room temperature. Oh, ah the indifference of a tepid Orzo. Lord? Why do you task me thus? Waiter, are you not aware that the lord created the mountains, the trees, why the whole world in just six days. The same patience that the Lord used to make a world must also be used to make a good Orzo. You must cook your soup with love. I see no love in this bowl! Wait, wait, I am getting a transmission from God.Yes, yes my lord what is it, what is your will? What, Lord? You want me to stay away from the Shrimp Scampi?.you recommend I order the Spaghetti Bolognese?.What? I should get the house salad provided that it comes with a vinaigrette and not just an oil and vinegar base? Yes, my lord. Thy will be done. Waiter what's this, you are laughing at me? You think I am crazy to talk to the lord? Well, I shall have you know that I communicate with the lord on a daily basis. The almighty counseled me to be an actor, to accept the post as president of the NRA, God even chose my tie this morning! No, no I do not care for an after dinner mint. The lord finds after-dinner mints an anticlimactic fusion of mint and chocolate. He enjoys a good mint or a good ball of chocolate, but never both at the same time. He would sooner eat a Peanut Butter Cup."